there i stood, in the checkout lane at Trader Joe's of Athens, and i felt as nervous as i typically do at the approach of the peak of a roller coaster. terrified is the only word i can use to really fully convey the feeling i had as i stood there, staring down at this cart full of colorful things; mushrooms, beans, apples, peppers, honey, plums, and snap peas all staring up at me saying, you can't do this. it is a waste of time. i tried tallying up how much i was about to spend on the grocery bunch, and a little voice kept messing me up, reminding me that my dad wanted me to focus on getting the things i needed, not to worry excessively over the price of things. this is gonna be over $200... i thought to myself. this is overkill, you're getting too much. the inner voices wouldn't stop. i got up to the register and proceeded to have a friendly conversation with the man doing the check out, and he was so impressed with my purchases. "are you a student here in athens?" he inquired of me, and i replied yes of course, and he laughed and said things like, "this sure isn't how i ate in college... good for you." i guess sometimes life throws you those little encouragements when you're most in need. $97.77 was the final total, and i breathed a sigh of relief. that's not so bad. i still had another stop to make at EarthFare, however, for raw nuts and coconut butter, along with some flouride free toothpaste and apricots. that ended up being $40. amazing how terribly pricey it is to fill your body with goodness...
so, that's what you see above. my first grocery purchase of this process. i'm proud of it, and i really think it'll work well. the fridge is a little small, though, so i will probably bring up my minifridge later on in the semester, or have dad bring it next week on my birthday, even if just for some water bottles to be on hand. (we could use a community water bottle fridge... we all bought twenty packs, and they're getting mixed up and... yeah, it needs to happen. i'm thinking minifridge with water, and color stickers to keep em separated.)
anyway, to the biggest point of this post: Fear.
fear is the thing that has been pulling on my heart the past 24 hours or so, and i can't seem to let go of it. here are just a few of the questions tugging at me.
what if i don't succeed? what if this is just a big mistake? what if i let dad down? what if i let MYSELF down? what if i don't lose the weight fast enough? what if i spend all this time and money and i don't lose any weight? what if i lose weight but i don't get in shape?
WHEN I WRITE THESE THINGS DOWN, THEY SEEM SO APPARENTLY STUPID. they are invalid fears, they really are. the only reason any of that would happen is by my. own. hand. so what am i afraid of? myself? i just... don't want to look like an idiot.
"that poor fat girl who thought she could change the world... couldn't even handle changing her own life."
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this fear barely even taps into my fear of what comes next. about how people will treat me after. about how i can't hide behind my body anymore; if i'm undesirable, there's no shield i can blame. and i'm scared of getting a positive reaction, and realizing that i'd wasted all that time being fat. or that i'll be bitter that nobody wanted me when i was larger. so many fears. it is all terrifying.
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“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
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