Shells, Anger, and Records.

I ran today.

There was an anger that had welled up inside me that had to be released. Little things, little triggers, but enough to make me stop and go, "No, this isn't okay." For the past few days, I've been doing a lot of introspection. Namely in regards to the way I feel about myself and how others treat me--rather, more specifically even, how I let others treat me.

Because here's the thing. Some people in this world are nice. They are kind, they are curious, they are caring. These people are the kinds of people you'd want to collect as a circle around you, a force of friendship that is a barrier to the hurt of the outside world. I like those people, naturally, as most of us do. But then... then there are other kinds of people. These people are the ones you wouldn't want to take home to mom. They're the people that say things before thinking them through, who think only of themselves, who believe (often without realizing they do it) that the world revolves around them. Sure, this generic definition of this alternative character sounds a little bit like all of us on a bad day. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the kinds of people who are this way, day in, day out. Or perhaps, worse, the ones who seem like the nice folk, and then out of nowhere, emerge as this ugly, evil-hearted person that you never knew really existed underneath that lovely exterior. That shell.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of a shell. Our exterior, literally and metaphorically. I think about the front we put on for the world to see, and how we want to be perceived a certain way. We are so caught up in how people see us that we forget that those people are too caught up in wondering what we think of them to worry about us. Weird, huh? I've just been mulling over that lately.

Anyway, I digress. Back to the main point--people, specifically, mean people. Why do we put up with mean people? I'm not just talking about people we disagree with or dislike, I'm talking about those people that treat us like we are inept, ignorant, needy, unintelligent and foolish. Why do we put up with it? Why do I put up with it? Honestly, today I'd had enough. I'd been insulted by someone's arrogance for the last time. I saw something that terrified me--a glimpse at who I could become if I allowed my own narcissism to grow into something so much more morbid than what I could ever imagine. I hope I never belittle someone the way I was belittled and disrespected today. I don't need to get into the specifics, perhaps I've already over-shared, but I just feel that, whomever you are, dear and sweet reader, that you relate to the words I'm sharing.

Please, beside me, stand up for yourself and say, "Enough is enough." If you can think of a bully in your life right now that makes you feel like shit, that you are worth nothing, step away. Walk away. Run away! Get out of there as fast as you can. Maybe it's a significant other, a boss, a two-faced friend, whatever. Stop being taken advantage of. Because I know, if you're anything like me, it's because you have someone convinced yourself of reasons why it's ok that they treat you the way they do. They're just going through a tough time in life right now, They used to be so nice, We've had such great times together, He/she understands me/I understand him/her. I don't care what your excuses are. Part of holistic health is emotional health, and that doesn't just mean meditating and going to counseling--it's not just for Crazies, not at all. It's about learning to love life through your own experiential design of that which life is. Which means not letting bad people with nasty hearts treat you like you deserve nothing more than a moment of their day, a moment that already irritates them because they have better things to do, etc, etc.

ALLLLL of this to say--I took these thoughts to the track with me today. I hadn't officially timed my 1 mile in a while, over a month, so I decided to track it on a stopwatch. I took off, and it felt so good. I ran, I breathed, I panted, I moved, I left the angry feelings behind me. I processed ways to let go of disliking myself--disliking myself to the point of letting someone else make me feel weird and hurt--and it felt... great. I got through two songs on my iPod when I entered my second lap. Hmm, I mused to myself, I'm usually just finishing a third song by now. I've gone really fast today... I was a little weirded out by it, and even thought maybe the songs were just extra long. Nope.

7:58.

That was my time. I almost cried, and I wanted to badly to scream and jump around, but I held it in. I can't even express the pride that accompanied the sweat beading on my forehead. I literally shaved almost 3 entire minutes off my mile. I guess when you have the right mental tools to get you a little angry and a lot motivated, you can do extraordinary things that even you didn't know about.

So that's my life right now. Running incredibly fast miles, learning to love myself, and choosing to stop the cycle of letting people walk all over my emotions. Oh, and, midterms. -_-