Failure.

"this really hurts... got it hurts... I suck at rejection."
"I don't think anyone is good at rejection."

failure: noun
1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success.

2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected.

3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency.

4. deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc.

what a concept.
here i am, sitting upon my bed, listening to sad music and experiencing this detestable word. i feel two forms of failure, currently. one hits very closely and personally to my heart, and the other, directly ties to thenextfivemonths.

if you saw me today, you saw me dolled up--a rarity. i had a very important interview today for a position on an Executive Board for an organization i'm involved with on campus that i care deeply about, called Dawg Camp. i am absolutely in love with Dawg Camp, and after a long and hard contemplation as to whether or not i wanted to split my time commitment of thenextfivemonths project with this huge time commitment, i decided to apply to be on Exec. i wanted to help create next years program and i was really pumped up once i decided that the time and heart commitment was worth it.

my heart was so in it. and i got really excited after my interview. the call came just a few minutes ago... no, unfortunately, i wasn't chosen for the exec board this year. i was highly encouraged by sweet Maggie to apply for staff again and exec in the future, though. i honestly was sort of relieved when i got the call, because it meant i didn't have to cram pack my schedule with meetings and deadlines like i would have if i'd been chosen. i trust the current exec and advisers that the team they put together this year is PHENOMENAL. i'm not bitter about that. in fact, i was so at peace about it when i was on the phone that i was stunned by the stinging feeling in my eyes when i hung up. i looked in the mirror and pools of glistening disappointment stared back at me. i tried for about 10 minutes not to cry, and then i broke, for a moment, and sobbed about two sobs, then kicked myself for being upset.

it's the failure that hurts. the "nonperformance of something expected." no, i'm not a failure because they didn't choose me... i know that full well. it just hurts so damn bad when you have expectations. always. you will always be disappointed. when i applied for OL, i didn't for a second expect to get it. i barely knew what i was getting myself into. and i got it. and i was thrilled with it, all of it. i didn't mean to expect to get Exec, but... our ego's get the best of us, and make the worst of ourselves. i looked like an ass, even if only to the girl in the mirror, who was too egotistical to realize sometimes you don't know everything.

a good friend of mine recently said this to me, before i even interviewed for this position-- "if you haven't gotten more 'unfortunately...' emails than 'congratulations!' ones, you're not shooting high enough." so, as much as it hurts to hear you haven't been chosen for something... i find comfort in knowing that i took that risk, i tested unfamiliar, scary waters, and now, i'm learning to see what it feels like to be turned away from something that meant the world to me. i didn't get that experience when i got Dawg Camp staff and OL before... this is a lifestyle about growing up.

there's a nagging voice in my head telling me that greater things can and will happen with thenextfivemonths project because of this. because i have the time and energy, still. and i'll admit, i don't think that i could have done both. just the stress of exams (turns out, i eat profusely when i study. it's the only way i can focus) and this interview this week was enough to really throw off my workout and eating habits. i haven't been working out like i want to, haven't been pushing my limits and feeling that familiar and welcome ache in my core (although my hamstrings are forever ache-y, haha). and i've been eating pasta like there's no tomorrow. pasta, rice cakes, baked chips, peanuts, crackers. i can't get enough starch or carbs, like there's something wrong with me. i know one thing--PMSing and trying to lose weight is almost like a really funny, really bad joke. grocery store tomorrow, thank god. i want to eat so many greens and fresh things this next week, it's like those starches never existed.

so, there it is, my second failure-- deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc. it's a damn good thing this is a lifestyle about learning new things. because learning to deal with pain, rejection, PMSing, arrogance, ego, fear, trying new things (and failing, sometimes), losing steam, and running low on endurance takes a lot of patience and forgiveness of the self. two things i'm terrible at.

i'm thankful for the support system i have around me, and the ability to start again after a few rocky days. to you, dear reader, remember in your struggles... Jai Ho.