not a lot to say tonight. other than i killed it at the gym tonight. four hours total of workout today. ran a mile, biked, did core work, elliptical, and walked a couple miles.
the thing is... when i looked in the mirror in the S&CII tonight (Strength and Conditioning II workout room), i hated what i saw. yeah, i've lost 14 pounds in roughly a month, and that's something you can at least shake a stick at. but i don't care. i saw that muffin top around my midline and something hit me. i cracked. i'd already ran a mile and had started my machine work, and i went into overdrive. every movement was intensified, my adrenaline pumping, whimpers of effort escaping my throat. i got so mad.
how could you DO THIS TO YOURSELF, ELIESA?! i yelled at myself inwardly, using my full name like a mother to her daughter, scolding and emphasizing the shame that she should feel. you could have saved yourself this trouble, you've damaged your body, you've given yourself so much extra work to do... look at those girls over there--LOOK AT THEM--do not stop until you look that way, til you're stronger than that, til your shins aren't screaming at you for being so freaking fat that you pound an extra 80 pounds on them with everything you do. i will not forgive you til you bring me back to salvation, til your body see's it's first glimpse of glory days... ok, so i kind of started rambling an over-dramatic rage speech to myself, but hey, whatever it takes.
i'm not really that mad anymore, but i'm still not happy. trying to balance mentally pushing myself without hating myself.
this lifestyle is not glamorous.
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